The Judgement Boomerang

In these days of reality T.V. and celebrity gossip columns, millions upon millions sit in judgement of others for their entertainment and this pastime seems to be on the increase.  When you pass judgement on someone else in one way or another it will boomerang right back around at you and will end up biting you in the ass.

When you judge others you have chosen to see the worst in them, in doing that you have also chosen to see the worst in yourself.  What you see in others is only a reflection of you, whether it be their greatness or their lesser qualities.

Judgement is criticism and people don’t like to be criticised they fear it and once they see that you have a critical nature they start to fear you, they don’t trust you not to criticise them.  When people are afraid of you they edit themselves which means that they are no longer able to be real with you, be honest about what they think and feel, share things with you and be able to be who they are.  You are depriving yourself of any meaningful relationships

Like really does attract like and if you are judgemental and critical of others then the only people that are happy to listen are other judges and critics, and know that if they’re joining in with you then they’re going to be joining in about you, and before you know it you are the one with fears and unable to trust.

The more you practise something the better you get, do you really want to be practised in the art of judgement?  Ask yourself do you really truly know these people and what bought them to this point in their life with this behaviour?  Have you ever done anything that was taken out of context when people didn’t know the full story?

If you are about to judge someone ask yourself why you feel the need to do this? Why do you need to make yourself feel better than them, if your self-esteem is strong and intact?  Is this really the best expression of who you are? Could your time be better spent elsewhere on something more positive, more uplifting that could be moving you further toward your dreams?

We know in our hearts that we are being cruel in our judgements of others and it doesn’t serve us, it doesn’t leave us feeling good about ourselves, we don’t feel happy and uplifted, we don’t at feel peace when we’ve just levied judgement so really for your own sake, if you can’t say something nice about someone, practise saying nothing at all.

Have a good one

Dxxx

 

Go Ape In Life

I attended a Go Ape session the other day (highly, excuse the pun, recommended) http://www.goape.co.uk  and found how many analogies there were to how life works as I went round the course.  Go Ape is a high wire forest adventure course of rope bridges, tarzan swings and zip slides... all set high up in the tree tops.

• The first thing above all else, be present and focused at all times – thinking about anything else other than where you’re at right now will only bring you upsets, and possible pain.
• Focus on your task in hand, it really doesn’t pay to be looking around at what others are doing as it will be detrimental to your experience, and this is your experience, no two people are the same so every one will tackle their obstacles differently.
• Put one foot in front of the other, thinking about the whole event in it’s entirety can be overwhelming and may stop you from even starting.  One step at a time is also the fun of it, if you focus only on the end you miss the experience and the experience is really why you signed up for this adventure in the first place.
• Know that as long as you have paid attention and are doing what you know to be the right things then you will reach your goal, once you step off towards it you are on your way and there’s no point in turning round once you’ve made the effort to go.
• When you need to step off in to the unknown you have to do just that step off and endeavour to enjoy the ride.  You can stand there and procrastinate and think of every which way you can do this but at the end you still just have to take the leap of faith and jump in to it.  It’s the same for everyone no matter who you are and what your worries/issues are we all still have to just let go and jump.
• The good news is once you’ve jumped you’re on your way.  The ride may be fun, scary or both but it means you’re moving forward and there’s nothing quite like that feeling.  You’re chuffed that you actually did it and you’ve now got the excitement of what’s next, and when you’re moving and focused on moving forward there’s no space left in your mind for anything negative, it gets drowned out.
• And then that great little added extra, apart from the great experience you’ve just had.  When you’ve made it through and out the other side, you know that you are now a little different, a bit better equipped for whatever comes next and you can be truly proud of yourself and what you just did, not matter how long it took you and how many hurdles you overcame, you did it and that is yours to keep with you forever.

So…. Go Ape and then Go Ape.

Have a good one

Dxxx

 

Don't Worry, Be Happy Now

For all the things people get good at, many are well practised in the art of worry.

Worrying Facts:

1.                  The worry is never really about the subject itself, and is really about how the outcome of the perceived situation may affect the worrier. 

2.                  Worry is always about the outcome of future events that may or may not happen, events that can never be accurately predicted – so basically it’s a complete waste of time and energy.

3.                  When you worry it changes your physiology which has a long-term effect on your health.  Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and that which you perceive may happen, so when you’re feeling anxious or afraid through worry about a future event, your brain reacts as if it’s real and happening now, and floods your body with the required chemical e.g. adrenaline to prepare you for danger.  Your body can’t withstand constant bombardment of negativity or fear and eventually it manifests externally in the form of illness or depression.  So when you hear someone say “I’m worried sick” if they aren’t now, they will be.

4.                  Because all worry is about future events, we can’t take action and, therefore, render ourselves powerless to act. When we feel powerless we either become angry or depressed.  Whichever way you look at it you feel bad and again overload your body with responsive chemicals.

5.                  Time spent worrying is time not spent being in the moment and appreciating your life, your loved ones or planning the good things to do with your life. Worrying is literally a waste of life.

6.                  Worries can become your reality.  E.g. the jealous partner that worries that their other half might cheat on them. They worry and become suspicious, their behaviour changes for the worst, their partner becomes so tired of reassuring them or living with the jealousy they eventually cheat or leave or both.

7.                  Over time your wrinkles will match your general mood.  If you’re a worrier you get worry lines.  Laughter lines are the ones you want.

Reasons people worry

1.                  They’re scared that they won’t be able to deal with a perceived situation

2.                  They’ve practised worrying for so long they don’t know how not to.

3.                  They love a good drama

4.                  They want attention

So stop worrying and know that….

The world really is a magical place. You have no way of knowing how anything will play out, there could be a solution to anyone of the worries that you may have that you couldn’t have even conceived of.  Things that are seemingly impossible happen all the time to all different kinds of people, so it really is a complete and utter waste of time trying to work out the outcome of a situation.  Anything could come from left field that you didn’t see in your mental scenario.

You’re here now, so you’ve obviously dealt with other situations in the past, Think about those things that you dealt with, be proud of yourself, see your strengths and then believe that whatever new situations turn up for you in life, that you can deal with and get through them also.

Your mental state will be a happier lighter one which means that your body will be happier and healthier.

Your mind can turn a relatively trivial situation in to a mountainous one, so what you fear is never as bad as it seems in your mind.

Deal with that which turns up at this moment only, this moment is all that you have.

Have an arsenal of things that you can know are good and that happen for you no matter how small they are. It helps to write them down as you can then picture the list.  Prepare them when you’re not worrying so you can spring into action as soon as you are aware of a worry coming on.

When you catch yourself starting to worry, talk to yourself (quietly if you’re not alone), tell yourself gently ‘no’ and go back to your good things list.

Don’t join in with everyday ‘worry talk’ with others, gently change the conversation to something positive and upbeat. Failing that make your excuses and leave.

The only worry is the one that is in your mind.   The future truly is not set and it is what we make it, a minute at a time.

‘Coward dies a thousand times, a brave man only once.’

Have a good one

Dxxx

 

 

 

Effort Guarantees Rewards

Having spoken with a few people of the past few days about various things related to life development topics there seemed to be a theme in the outcome of the conversations.

All these people seemed quite emphatic that they wanted different BUT… too ill, too busy, not dealt with let over childhood traumas.  However, if I were to do this, do that, then they would consider ‘trying’ whatever I set up for them.

We turn up here with everything we need.  Life, a body, an amazing mind that will trump the world’s largest and most sophisticated computers. 

So we now have all the ingredients needed for a great life and………nothing! 

It’s like throwing all the ingredients of a recipe together and then doing nothing with them, there’s no stirring, no whisking, no cooking time taking place.  It’s the same as standing around waiting for a miracle to take place before your eyes.

The miracle is in the stirring, the whisking and the cooking e.g. the work you put in to turning the ingredients that you’ve been given in to something, and the patience and tenacity in following through until you are sitting there with the end result in front of you. 

We allow for the fact that our food needs to be grown, prepared and cooked prior to eating.

We don’t question that babies require the initial physical exertion to get the process started, the 9 month cooking of, not to mention the removal from the oven (hey ladies) and that’s just the first phase. 

But we do it and we do un-questioningly, because that’s the way it is. 

People would probably think I was barking if I asked why they had to put effort in to preparing a meal or creating a child, and why they didn’t just sit back and hope for something amazing to happen without any effort on their part.

So here’s the question…… why do we do it with our lives?  We’re given all the tools we need to turn this life in to something.  That which we don’t know we have the ability and for the most part the facilities to learn.

So, carrying on with the cooking analogy as we ALL have to eat. 

1. Choose a recipe that makes your mouth water
   (Consider the life you truly want)
2. Know your reason for cooking that particular recipe, are you trying to impress another, you’re on a diet or your just plain hungry and need some grub.
   (Know why you want what you want)
3. Check that you have the relevant ingredients
   (Know your existing talents that you can capitalise on, then decide what you may need to set about enhancing and how e.g. attain any qualifications that may be needed)
4. Start adding the ingredients together following the cooking instructions as you go
   (plan your strategy for creating whatever you’re going after in life and follow it)
5. Start stirring/blending/whisking
   (You start doing something, you take action)
6. Taste and tweak ingredients as you go.
   (You need to check in to see whether you are still on course)
7. Cook for specified time
   (Set dates where you expect to have accomplished certain projects to give you measured time when you know the fruits of labour will be realised)
8. And then serve
   (Relax and enjoy your efforts)

My point is that in order to create something out of this life the KEY ingredient to any recipe is the effort you put in to the creation of it, without that it just sits there unrecognisable of what it was intended to be and without ever realising it’s full potential.

So now you know…..you can get cooking

Have a good one

Dxxx

 

Count Blessings, Not Losses

“There’s been a man fished out of the river barely alive.” This was the talk in a shop my husband was in this evening. The bearer of the news and the recipient (of no relation to the soggy man) kept focusing on the barely part, even when my husband tried to point out the key word here was alive.

At the same time, elsewhere, I was catching up with someone I hadn’t seen for a while who was telling me how bad things had been for her. A greedy business partner had sued her and was trying to take her business away which also put her home at risk, they didn’t succeed. However, the focus of the whole conversation was on the near loss of house and possible bankruptcy, if the ruling had gone another way. It didn’t, she won, sure she lost money but, she still has both the house and the business.

In both cases each party where determined to see the worst of what might have happened, instead of acknowledging the positive outcome.

There are blessings and joys all around if you choose to see them, but that’s the thing, you do have to want to see them. As Randy Pausch of the famed ‘The Last Lecture’ http://www.thelastlecture.com/ asks ‘Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?’ Do you see the good or the bad in the situation, because that’s what it comes down to at the end of the day your ability and desire to want to see the good or the bad, because anything in life is only as good or as bad as you choose to see it.

My husband was once 24 hours from dying but he didn’t and we marvel at how lucky we are. We went through bankruptcy after a long illness and see the positive side of it. We came out of it stronger than ever as a couple, we no longer feel sick when the post falls on the mat in the morning, we only buy that which we truly want or need as we don’t and won’t do the credit thing ever again, I could go on. The thing is we see the bankruptcy as nothing but a blessing because we look at what we’ve gained.

Whatever happens it’s your choice how you view that situation, sure things can be upsetting, hurtful, worrisome but you can always if not straightaway see a positive in it somewhere. Something can always be worse than it actually is.

It helps to know what is important to you. For me it’s my family, my husband and my two lovely kids, as long as they’re ok my world is ok. But even then I think about the lady who coined the title of this blog. She’d lost her only daughter in a car accident, through no fault of the daughters, and yet she seemed peaceful. She said that through her grieve she still counted the blessings not the losses, and was grateful that she had had those precious years with her daughter.

Here’s the thing, life experiences are always going to come your way, you get to choose whether you see the positive in something or someone. All you have to do is to consciously choose that you are going to see things from a positive point of view, there always is one somewhere. When you do, the rewards are many fold, you feel gratitude, you feel at peace, you can feel good about life, you can smile about stuff and pass that smile on to others so that they too can feel good, and you have the added benefit of a much healthier immune system.

Give it a try. Find something that you would may be see as a negative and find the positive in it. The more you practice the easier and quicker it will come.

Good luck

Have a good one

Dxxx

How Do You Love Yourself?

This question can be looked at two ways and are both relevant in learning to love yourself. How do you love yourself (as in learn to)? And also How do you love yourself? as in what do you do everyday that shows you that you get how great you are?

Firstly, let me ask you, how would you feel if everyday some one turned round to you and said “I’m too busy with too many other far more important things than to bother with your needs right now. Everything and everyone else is far more important to me than you are, and I care about their opinion of me more than yours, so I’ll get round to you when it’s more convenient?”

Or

“So you’re unwell! What about all the things that I need to get done? Get over yourself and get on and help me there isn’t any one else to do the work.”

Or

“Your fat, you’re not very bright, you don’t deserve……. my kindness, my compassion, my love”

You may well be thinking that you wouldn’t put up with some or better still any of it. So……why do you allow you to speak to yourself like that? Because every time you keep going when you are feeling so tired, you drag yourself out of your sick bed when you feel like death warmed up or you start to mentally run yourself down when you failed to come up to your own standards, you are damaging your self-esteem more than any one else ever could if they uttered those words.

You are the example of how others should love you. They will follow your lead, if they hear you running yourself down they assume that that’s what passes for fun for you so they join in to. If you keep putting upon yourself they assume that that’s because you’re ok with it and obviously have energy that you need to burn, so they follow your lead and put upon you. If you show up somewhere from your sick bed, that you must be feeling better and are available for them to put upon you and at the same time tease you about your fat thighs in the process.

Start to treat yourself as your own best friend. Think about someone that you love and care for and what you would do for them if they were tired, miserable, hurt, unwell and then start doing that for yourself.

If you feel tired tell yourself to take a load of for 5 minutes, because you deserve it.

If you feel unwell check in with yourself like you would a loved one (one of your kids may be) speak to yourself kindly and do what you need to do so that you get better. As much as you may like to think it would, the world is not going to end if you are too unwell to show up in your life for a day, however, your bod and your self-esteem will both take a pasting if you push yourself to do something that you really aren’t up to.

If you hear yourself running you down, tell yourself to stop it as you would if you heard someone bullying someone you care about. You don’t take put downs from anyone, even if it does happen to be yourself.

It’s about the little things, it’s the little acts of kindness that you show yourself each and every day.

So there you have it, some basic suggestions for starters. They may seem small and obvious but love is about the small and obvious every day instead of the big grand gestures that appear once in a blue moon.

Have a good one

Dxxx

Your Gonna Die, So How Are You Gonna Live?

There’s no other way to say it but you are, you’re going to die. Who told you that you get to live in to your 70/80’s, will die quietly in your bed surrounded by your loved ones? This seems to be the expectation of those that will even acknowledge their death, there are those that won’t even acknowledge that this applies to them. The thing is not all of us will go that way. Death you are guaranteed but how and when well that’s anyone’s guess. Those that do go as I’ve just described got the ace. They were upgraded from coach to 1^st Class, we all hope it’s going to happen for us but we also know it’s a long shot.

Now bear with me here, it’s through acknowledging the prospect of our own death we can then think about life. Everything has it’s opposite and when we experience both our appreciation of both deepens. Anyone who’s lost a loved one will tell you that. When it’s ended we feel a loss and think of what we would have done differently.

Death is but a moment away from anyone so with that in mind start to live. If this morning was the last time you were going to kiss your spouse and kids goodbye because tonight you weren’t going to get to come home, what would you do and say differently? And, why if you think that you would do differently that morning, do you cheat them and yourself all the other times?

When people develop a life threatening illness those around them see it as an injustice, like some set of rules have been broken. It would break my heart to loose any one of my family, but I also understand that none of us came with any lifetime guarantees, life and death don’t discriminate they just are. There is no right or wrong in it, it just happens, but it’s what we do with that knowledge that’s the important part.

For that reason I make sure that I enjoy them not through fear but through gratitude that I have these moments with them, even when I have to dig a little deeper when they are actually annoying the b’Jesus out of me, I catch it and then think how would I feel if they weren’t here? How important is it for me to be in a bad mood with them? So far, I've yet to find that important reason.

Supposing it’s not death, how about loosing your faculties? I had a very close look at the possibility of becoming disabled and scary as it was, that experience has become a blessing. I sure love my body now and am grateful for it. It doesn’t look like any of the stereotypes in the popular gossip and fashion magazines. In fact far from them but it’s mine and it lets me do the things I want to do and every time I’m grateful, really grateful because tomorrow I might not be able to.

I swim 64 lengths regularly, even when I don’t want to because I can today, I may not be able to tomorrow. I walk up a very steep hill as exercise because I can today, tomorrow I may not be able to. I look; I mean really look at my loved ones because tomorrow I may not be able to. And when I love them, I take in the moment the feel of them, their smell and all that they mean to me, because tomorrow I may not be able to.

So, if your tomorrow is changed beyond all recognition or it doesn’t come at all……… what are you going to do differently with all the today’s that you have left?

Have a good one

Dxxx