Don’t Worry, Be Happy Now

We’re living in interesting times in more ways than one, geologically and economically are two things that immediately come to mind based on current events.  A lot of things in the world are in a state of flux for us as individuals as well as inhabitants of this beautiful blue planet. 

With all these things taking place there are times for most of us when we start to wonder how these events are going to play out.  The thing is we can never know the outcome of anything for sure.  We can make predictions that may be close to the truth but until something actually happens everything is a fiction.

One example being, sometime back in 2003 a comet twice the size of Jupiter (the largest known planet in our solar system) came from behind the sun towards us.  It was thought that based on it’s trajectory it was on course to crash in to the sun, this would have been catastrophic for us, potentially it could have been what is known as an Extinction Level Event here on Earth.  There was nothing broadcast about it until after the event as based on the few reports that have come out from NASA about it, we were potentially finished as a planet, there was nothing anyone could do to destroy a comet of that magnitude, so why worry people about something that no one had any control over?   We were apparently saved by a sun flare that burst out as it neared the sun which pushed it off of it’s current course, and away from the sun.

Now I appreciate this is an extreme example but I bet it’s one that you won’t forget in a hurry and yes I’m sure that what we may have all felt at the time would have been way off the scale of worry.  Clean underwear for all would probably most likely have been at the top of the worlds wish list should news of that one have ever broken.

Seriously though, of all the things people get good at, many are well practised in the art of worry. 

Worrying Facts:

1.             The worry is never really about the subject itself, and is really about how the outcome of the perceived situation may affect the worrier. 

2.             Worry is always about the outcome of future events that may or may not happen, events that can never be accurately predicted – so basically it’s a complete waste of time and energy.

3.             When you worry it changes your physiology which has a long-term effect on your health.  Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and that which you perceive may happen, so when you’re feeling anxious or afraid through worry about a future event, your brain reacts as if it’s real and happening now, and floods your body with the required chemical e.g. adrenaline to prepare you for danger.  Your body can’t withstand constant bombardment of negativity or fear and eventually it manifests externally in the form of illness or depression.  So when you hear someone say “I’m worried sick” if they aren’t now, they will be.

4.             Because all worry is about future events, we can’t take action and, therefore, render ourselves powerless to act. When we feel powerless we either become angry or depressed.  Whichever way you look at it you feel bad and again overload your body with responsive chemicals.

5.             Time spent worrying is time not spent being in the moment and appreciating your life, your loved ones or planning the good things to do with your life. Worrying is literally a waste of life.

6.             Worries can become your reality.  E.g. the jealous partner that worries that their other half might cheat on them. They worry and become suspicious, their behaviour changes for the worst, their partner becomes so tired of reassuring them or living with the jealousy they may eventually cheat or leave or both.

7.             Over time your wrinkles will match your general mood.  If you’re a worrier you get worry lines.  If you’re going to get lines make them of the laughter variety.

Reasons people worry 

• They’re scared that they won’t be able to deal with a perceived situation
•  They’ve practised worrying for so long they don’t know how not to.
•  They love a good drama
•   They want attention

 So stop worrying and know that….

The world really is a magical place. You have no way of knowing how anything will play out, there could be a solution to anyone of the worries that you may have that you couldn’t have even conceived of.  Things that are seemingly impossible happen all the time to all different kinds of people, so it really is a complete and utter waste of time trying to work out the outcome of a situation.  Anything could come from left field that you didn’t see in your mental scenario.

Deal with that which turns up at this moment only, this moment is all that you have, your mental state will be a happier lighter one which means that your body will be happier and healthier.

Your mind can turn a relatively trivial situation in to a mountainous one, so what you fear is never as bad as it seems in your mind.

Have an arsenal of things that you know are good in your life no matter how small they are. It helps to write them down as you can then picture the list.  Prepare them when you’re not worrying so you can spring into action as soon as you are aware of a worry coming on.

When you catch yourself starting to worry, talk to yourself (quietly if you’re not alone), tell yourself ‘no’ and go back to your good things list.

Don’t join in with everyday ‘worry talk’ with others, find a way to move off of the conversation to something positive and upbeat. Failing that make your excuses and leave.

The only worry is the one that is in your mind.   The future truly is not set and it is what we make it, a minute at a time.

‘A coward dies a thousand times, a brave man only once.’

How You View Yourself Determines What You Do

How you choose to view yourself is key to what you believe you are capable of.  Do you see yourself as a person who experiences success in life or as a big fat failure? May be you find yourself roaming around in the middle somewhere.  I grew up being told not to “blow my own trumpet” and that “no one likes a big-head” which is what you were if you talked about yourself positively. 

Thing is, your behaviours and actions are as a direct result of how you see yourself and your behaviours and actions are reflected back at you in your external world.  If you see yourself as successful inwardly you behave as someone who experiences success and others treat you accordingly.  Likewise if you see yourself generally as a failure you behave and act as a failure would, not taking the risks and doing what you need to do in order to experience success.  

You have to have some belief, no matter how small, that you can achieve something, otherwise you just don’t bother to set out in the first place.  Imagine you’re single and you’re contemplating going out on the town with a view to meeting someone, ‘pulling’ was the expression in my dim and distant memory of single life.   Do you see yourself as someone who has luck with the opposite sex, someone that’s worthwhile for them to want to talk to and interact with?  Or have you already asked yourself who would be interested in you?  Depending upon the answer to that one, will determine whether you even make it outside the front door. 

Once out there, I’m sure we’ve all encountered the sleazebag that thinks they’re gods gift, when they are anything but, or the person who appears to have it all but is chronically shy, because they cannot see their beauty through all their perceived faults. It’s all about how they are viewing themselves, it’s about their internal dialogue that accompanies those thoughts.

The story of our lives so far is a direct reflection of how we view ourselves and what we believe capable or deserving of.   With the advent of reality TV we have become more judgemental of each other than ever, trouble is, the judgements that we make against others aren’t that different to the ones we fear about ourselves.  

To step out and take a risk takes courage even for those that have belief in themselves and their ideas, to handicap ourselves with negative ideas about who we are and what we have to offer is a completely nonsensical thing to do.

Thing is we human beings are actually truly amazing.

The very fact that we are here at all, any one of us means that we are the best of the best.  Our ancestors have to have survived all manner of natural and manmade perils in order for us to be here today.  Wars, famines, earthquakes, disease, even the act of being born was perilous for both mother and baby not that long ago, not to mention getting safely through the first few years of life, yet they made it.  They have to have made it for you to be here now.  You are the end result of thousands of years of mans struggle to survive.  Start there.

You have talents that no one else on this earth possesses, sure we may share similar talents but no one does what you do the way you do it and never will.

Ever watched It’s A Wonderful Life?  When life has taken a turn for the worst, George Bailey tries to kill himself believing that his family would be better off without him, an angel named Clarence comes to show him that just by being born he has impacted people’s lives in a positive way, ways in which he doesn’t even know.  I guarantee that you will have done that too.  You may never know or see how but everywhere you’ve ever interacted with people, whether you realise it or not, you have impacted their lives.

If you want success on any level, as a partner, in your career, as a friend, a parent or any one of the many different hats we wear these days you first have to choose to see yourself in a positive light.  For some this is not always an easy thing to do, but it is an absolutely necessary one in order for you to make the best of your life.

I started writing blogs a few years ago but after a while I took a negative viewpoint on my ability to write anything meaningful, anything that would create an impact in someone else’s life, so I stopped.  A friend who was having some problems a while back texted me to thank me as something I had said had made her see things differently, which had gone some way towards helping her deal with those problems.  I couldn’t recall when, where or how as we don’t have a close friendship where we have deep and meaningful conversations.  Turns out she knew I was into personal development, and one day, at a particularly low point she Googled me and came across my blogs and read some of them.  It was in one of them that she had found a sentence changed her perspective on the problem.  Thing is now I wonder how many other people I may have helped if I had chosen to view my contribution differently and continued?...

If you’re used to seeing yourself from a predominantly negative viewpoint then you need to take steps to turn that around.  You’ve spent time learning to be down on yourself and now you have to learn how to see yourself in a positive way.

Some suggestions:

• Write some of the successes in your life, doesn’t matter how big or small they are, find them and write them down, lets say 20 even if it starts with the one I gave you, I am from a long line of survivors, I’m from the best of the best.
• Keep out around your home anything that may remind you of your successes, awards, badges, photos, certificates.
• Write them down, there is something very powerful in the written word.  I find having a list of my successes helpful when I’m having an oh woe is me day and my successes are readily coming to mind, I make myself read my list.
• Stand in front of a mirror at the end of each day and congratulate you on all the successes that you’ve had in that day.  This one I heard from Jack Canfield – Chicken Soup For The Soul – I have to say I really struggled with this one and felt a right chump standing there.  He does say that it’s something that can cause adverse reactions in people as they find it so challenging, butthere is something powerful in hearing your successes spoken out loud in front of you.  It’s harder for you to ignore.  The bigger the resistance the more you need to do it as it’s a gauge as to how negative you can be about yourself. 

“Cause the words that come from your mouth

You're the first to hear

Speak words of beauty and you will be there

No matter what anybody says

What matters most is what you think of yourself”  Get It Together - India Arie

 

Mind Your Own Business

This expression has become synonymous with accusing someone of nosing in to someone else’s affairs, and warning them to get out of it.

Instead though how about seeing this as really good advice for life. 

We are all so busy caught up in what is going on outside of us because we see those that are in our lives as extensions of ourselves to varying degrees, from immediate family to friends and acquaintances. 

In our everyday language we label people as ‘my’ something or other, husband, wife, brother, sister and so on.  By laying claim to them over and over in our daily conversations their behaviours and their effects upon us, become entwined in that ownership too.   We feel positive emotions around those that display desired social behaviour and achievements, and on the flipside we feel negative emotions to those that don’t.

As a mum I have many a time experienced pride when someone compliments me on my children’s good behaviour and similarly have cringed when they’re little horns are out.  The thing is though, that whatever the behaviour it’s about me.   In an ideal, enlightened world I would not be affected by other peoples opinions of my kids it would be enough that they are able to express all aspects of themselves, however that manifests itself.  Still working on that one, some days harder than others.

The very act of labelling something immediately makes it measurable.  We all have ideas of how partners should behave, so labelling someone brings with it a set of pre-conceived behavioural ideals.  When they measure above and beyond we judge that things are good, even great.  When they don’t display the pre-conceived ideals we then complain that they are behaving badly.  Thing is though that all the time we are judging any type of behaviour we are not paying attention to ourselves and what we are doing in our own lives, we loose sight of that which is truly important… us.

I wrote in a previous blog that we are not multi-tasking and we’re not, jugglers yes, multi-taskers…NO.

If we are busy judging and thinking about the behaviours and attitudes of others we are not centred.  We are not in our own business we are in theirs.  All our woes and upsets are about what others are doing or not doing that we don’t like, find offensive, feel un-loved.  Thing is regardless of whether you’re right about those things, that’s them and who they are and that is ultimately their business, not yours.

Your focus is you and should be only you.  Now this is where people start jumping up and down and the word selfish gets bandied about.  This is anything but, when you are focused on your own set of behaviours and inner world and understand that they are the only thing that you have any real control over, you are liberated from the effects of the behaviours of others. 

We are individual expressions of the Universe experiencing itself as life.  In this case you.  That is the same story for those that you know, but they are the Universe experiencing itself as them.  Each one of us is unique, a one off never to be repeated, here to experience life in this borrowed and ultimately short time that we are here.  Wasting it by getting hung up on judging and/or controlling another’s behaviours is just a waste of that precious time.

From the cradle we are taught that we are responsible for how other people feel, as children our whole lives are set up to keep our parents happy and appeased otherwise there are consequences.  It’s handed down through the generations, through parents, school, church, state and on the list goes. 

To believe that you have any real control over another persons behaviour or emotions is illusory, because it’s all conditional, which means it can be broken at any time should the other party find it becomes too much or suits them to do different, which is always their divine right as it is yours.

If you were a business owner how long do you think it would survive if you devoted the majority of the working day involving yourself in what the other businesses were doing?  If you’re over there, you’re not here, if you’re not here, your not taking care of the most important business of all…your own.  You can only be focused on one life at a time and in order to make it any kind of success it needs to be your own.

It makes you a better person.  If you are managing your own life and business then you will find that you are happier, more peaceful, because even if it’s not ideal you know you are steering it and going somewhere with it.  That immediately makes you a better person to be around.  Someone easier to be with, have fun with and love.   Others will thank you for not being in their business, particularly if you were not invited in to it in the first place.

If you don’t like someone’s behaviour then move on, temporarily or permanently, you do not have to stay with anyone who exhibits unpleasant, undesirable traits, so you remove yourself from it mentally, physically, emotionally whichever is required at the time, you do what you need to do for you in the management of You Inc.  How they choose to deal with that is then their own business, and they will do what they feel that they need to do in relation to their own lives and what is best for them.

We are multi-faceted bundle of experiences, emotions, behaviours and desires and each one of us is different, we could be here for any eternity and never really ever figure out another person and what really makes them tick, we rarely ever really get to meet ourselves on that level and it certainly won’t happen if we’re busily involved running the lives of others.

What other people do is none of my business, what other people think of me is none of my business. 

 

A Story Of Success

“Outliers are those who have been given opportunities – and who have had the strength and the presence of mind to seize them.”   Malcolm Gladwell

Am I ever the proud Mum!

My lovely little man Josh, earned himself a place at the local Grammar School.  It is ranked among some of the top schools in the country, so a double whammy for him.  This has been the culmination of over 18 months consideration, focus and work and today it paid off.

Whilst we were celebrating with him and family members I was drawn back to the events that had brought us to this point.  He is about to attend a school that has the potential to open many doors to him, today his Quantum Field Of Possibilities just expanded exponentially, that his experience of secondary school has already been changed.  He’s attending a school where the pupils have worked to get there, they want to learn, a school environment where being clever is celebrated and encouraged.

This journey started for all of us just over 18 months ago.  There are two things that stand out from this result. 

The first one is coincidence.  I never see coincidences as random things that just happen to us; I see them as points where actions, ideas and beliefs that have been previously set in motion come together and create a co-incidence .   Put another way it’s the place where fate and destiny meet up.

I was reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers.  Not one that was high on my required reading list, it just so happened to have come back in to the library as I was in there returning a book, and in that moment I decided to give it a go.  Another co-incidence; I read anything that grabs my attention that may give me more information as to how to improve upon what I have already learnt and how I currently work, or that will explain why people do what they do and how we can use that information to build further upon our successes or change that which does not serve us.  This book covers both & there it is newly returned and sitting in the book of the week shelf which was right next to me.   

Outliers is the story of why certain people are successful based on environment and opportunities.   In it I learnt much about the education system and that class & culture make the differences to people because of the belief systems about life and themselves that they had, their behaviours within that belief system and the advantages that came their way, some through luck and others through just fate or timing of being in the right place at the right time.  Rather like me being in the library at that moment and then choosing to read what was contained within the pages with an open mind.  To be available to a new perspective.

As a result of those things that I’d come to understand from the book regarding education, I raised some of those issues during a BBQ at my cousin’s, as she is a teacher.  I actively sought her opinion on what I’d gleaned from the book, most of which she agreed with.  This then prompted me to voice my concerns regarding Josh’s maths skills and enquire as to what she recommended I could do to help him get the most out of his schooling.

The upshot was that he was enrolled in to one of the tutoring groups that she ran for children wishing to attend the Grammar Schools. From that it quickly became clear that he was more than capable to sit the required 11+ examination should he wish to. 

That was the opportunity through coincidences, of which there are too many to consider, especially when you look at the ones that the author Malcolm Gladwell highlights about those of his ancestors that culminated in his existence and ultimately becoming an author who wrote a book that appeared on the shelf in my local library.   

Then comes the strength and presence of mind to seize these presented opportunities.

Tutoring and homework in addition to that set by school isn’t at the top of your average 11 year olds wish list - nor mine if I’m honest.  But if it is what is necessary to achieve a desired outcome, we make the outcome the reason for doing it, this then gives us the drive to do that which we must in order to create the life we want.  Josh decided that he wanted to go to the Grammar school instead of the local one. Yes of course he was no doubt sold the idea by us, or my cousin but he was excited about it and could see the possibilities for himself, he knew he was the one going to have to do the work, but his belief that he was more than capable of passing the exam was behind his decision. 

People have to want something themselves, it has to be a desire that they feel positively about.  Sure we can coerce someone or worse still intimidate or scare them in to doing something, but it rarely sees them going the distance and they don’t complete the task to the best of their abilities, they just do enough to get by.

The desire is what gives us the strength to complete the work, and the aforementioned presence of mind to both realise and seize opportunities as they present themselves.  It is basically what gives us our grit and determination when the going feels like it’s getting a little tough.  Sure, there were times for all of us here when it got a little hard to keep Josh going, and for us to know when and how much to push him through it.  Scheduling his homework times through some of the school holidays isn’t fun as a parent who remembers very clearly disliking homework schedules themselves, and then spending our time coaching him when he didn’t understand the different strategies for working out the answers, but he had decided he wanted something and we supported him, it became a team effort, one where all knew the goal.

Today’s events have reminded Tim and I again that if you work and prepare for it, then when opportunity comes you are ready for it.  We have a boy who at the tender age of 11 has had his first experience of that, and more importantly understands this valuable lesson in life.  His self-esteem and sense of being in control of his destiny has gone through the roof, but most importantly of all he understands more than ever that if you dare to dream and are prepared to put the work in, then you are more than in the running to see that dream realised in one form or another.